Let A New Life Happen To You

INSIGHT FROM THE PROCESS: 
Been back in the states for about 7 months now, & although I have more peace today than I did the first 4 or 5 months after arriving (thank GOD!), & while I love the city I was born & raised in with all my heart, I still don’t really know if this is the right place for me. We’ll see.
I miss China,(but don’t want to live there again lol. I know I’ll visit though)
I miss the stage & singing sooo much {And I know I will return to it very soon. I’ve been in preparation 🙏🏾🙏🏾✨}
I came back and thought I could try to get into a similar routine as I had before I left, but everything around me was different... because I was different. 
Every relationship I had before I moved to China had evolved drastically or dissipated completely. Even though many of us were still in contact while I was there. ... I had a big party when left, and came back to many friends forgetting that I was even supposed to arrive. No visits, few calls, & def no party. (I actually thought they were planning a surprise party for me & were playing a trick by pretending to forget that I was moving back (😂😬😔) I was wrong lol
I had left my entire life in China... quit my band, my job, sold my things, & packed up my entire apartment to move back “home”. & barely had a place to live. Many people asked, “why did you come back?”..... my answer; it was time... & that God told me to. It didn’t even really make sense even to me. But there were some things I wanted & needed to do, & some things I knew I had to learn, that required me to be back in the states. I was ready to begin my next chapter, & pursue my career & life goals. I was crystal clear on what I wanted to do with my life (just not HOW I was gonna do it 😀), & was also in desperate need of some TLC from friends & family, & was gonna get loved on for a little bit & be encouraged to get out there & go for mine! That was my plan... Or so I thought.

I was greeted with radio silence. I can’t fully describe the feeling. I was heartbroken & truly devastated. It may sound dramatic, but that’s just the truth of how I felt. I was not fully prepared for the shock of it all. In addition to major reverse culture shock, I was also mourning the loss of my grandmother who had passed while I was overseas. My life was unrecognizable to me when I returned. I tried to go along to get along to find some sort of flow for myself. Friends and family were still coming to me looking for advice, support, encouragement, a listening ear, etc. for their lives & situations. All while I felt like I was dying inside. For real.

I tried to go back to church (I had dedicated a large portion of my life to serving in ministry, singing on the praise team, in the choir, working with the youth, teaching bible study, you name it! and those things always gave me so much joy and fulfillment.) but it didn’t any longer. Not in the same way at least. My spiritual views had evolved & my relationship w/ the most high had deepened. & I no longer felt as connected to the <building> as I once did.
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Basically I looked around me and every person in my life all had a priority list that I was NOT on. (To say I was in my feelings is an understatement lol.) But really only because they were all at the top of mine. These were people places & things that I had always given my all to, would do anything for... & while they all loved me, most of them just did not have the capacity to tend to my emotional needs in this season. And understandably so... they had kids, full fledged careers, businesses, were in school, babies growing inside of them, significant others, etc. 
and I just had... me 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I told my loved ones how I was feeling, tried to explain what I needed. But still didn’t get it. I was so frustrated, and was starting to resent everything & everyone around me. And the enemy was whispering terrible things to me on the daily.
But God... ‘Create In me a clean heart and renew A right spirit within me,’ was the prayer I prayed over myself everyday. I didn’t want to be this bitter angry person with no joy no trust & no love inside of me. And then, I don’t know when but I assume somewhere in the midst of all of my prayers & cries. a light bulb went off...
I finally realized, that this whole time... really since the day I boarded that plane to China, God had been trying to usher me into a new life, & I was clinging to my old one. All the pain and sadness I had been feeling was a result of my reluctance to let go... To (fully) let go of my comfort zone & everything I was familiar with, to let go of all the unfair and unrealistic expectations I had put on the people in my life, to let go of the unfair & unrealistic expectations I had put on myself... as well as the limitations, doubts, fears, shame, & guilt I had been holding over my own head,. I basically had been given the opportunity to start from scratch & create the life I want. Based on the me that I want to be! & I was throwing a tantrum about it lol. 

Today I feel so grateful, & excited about life. I really feel like the possibilities are endless & I'm so focused on making every single one of my dreams come true. I feel so blessed to be in this position. I’m 1 week away from my 30th birthday (womp womp), something I’ve been dreading honestly, just because I’m no where near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. But since deciding to make myself, my number 1 priority, I feel free! Like I’m 18 again, not in maturity, but in optimism & possibility. & all that’s really changed about my circumstances is my mentality.

Letting New life happen requires some intentionality. Step by step, day by day I stride to consciously make decisions that serve me mentally, spiritually, & emotionally... instead of just doing what makes everyone around me (& me), most comfortable. It’s STILL a process, but I can say that I have drawn some beautiful new relationships into my life, that both feed & water... and also have embraced the evolved versions of relationships that were already present. I have found myself in new spaces that cultivate the sense of community, inspiration, & creativity I’ve longed for. I don’t waste {as much} time focusing on all of the things I don’t have, ( in comparison to all the things I perceive that others do,) I am intentional on focusing on the greatest thing I do have, & that’s LIFE! And I’m gonna live it, everyday. For best, or worst.
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I don’t know why I was inspired to write this today, I pray it blesses someone, really anyone who took the time to read it all...hopefully it serves as some nice reading material on your lunch break lol. Let New life happen y’all... the best is yet to come! 🙌🏾🖤🖤✨✨ #sheisrisen #theprocess